Fred von Vegesack

I'M NOT A LONER, I'M JUST SELECTIVELY SOCIAL. DON'T LIKE IT…..THEN GO FUCK OFF BECAUSE I PROBABLY DON'T NEED YOU!

JOKES

The Monkey and the lizard.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. 
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey „Hey! What are you doing?“

The monkey says „Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.“

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in and nearly drowns. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

The crocodile asks the lizard, „What’s the matter with you?“ The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says „Hey MONKEY!“ The monkey looks down and says „FUUUUCK, DUDE……..how much water did you drink?


The last kiss!

Last fall, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge…So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

“Hey Baby….. whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear ‘sensitive’, George also didn’t want to miss this ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either so he asked…

“Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe… Why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

“Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether the person jumped or was pushed!


 

 

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